Yes I'm an asshole

Being a soon to be father has taught me a few things, basically that Im an asshole. If you are thinking about or are about to be a father, read on so you can avoid a few simple mistakes.

First off, sleep on the couch, so much is avoided if you do this. Basically everything.

Hopefully when you find out that you're going to be a father you don't have the same vision I did, (if you dont get this reference watch spaceballs)

Im still freaked out about the little grommet inside kicking the crap out of wifester, but Ill get over it, I hope.

Comments that are best left unsaid.
"You look huge" sometimes I can be so retarded
"you're pretty cute for a pregnant chick" yeah this is the most brilliant thing to say to you pregnant wife who is has been miserable for the past half year
As your wife lifts up her shirt to show you her belly refrain from saying "ah put it away!" yeah that scored me about negative fifty points in the husband of the month club.
"Are you sure its mine?" has this ever worked? EVER?
dont ever call your baby to be an "anchor baby" people for some reason get super offended.

When your wife asks you to take a guess at how much weight she has gained, well fellas this is a trick and you should just run like hell not answer this question. No, not me, I hid behind the corner and peaked around and threw out numbers, I guess I just cant let it be.

I guess though now that were in our seventh month of this adventure I have learned to tone it down a bit. Last night was our first birthing class, I basically kept my mouth shut for two hours. Not because I didnt have stuff to say, but more out of fear that if I opened my mouth the vomit would go everywhere. holy hell people, why would you take the placenta home with you. ahhhhhhhhhhh damnit, I just threw up.